March 7, 2021

13 - If I were a boy (Season Finale!🐢)


SEASON FINALE!! Thank you so much for listening in the last few months. This is by far the best project I’ve worked on by myself and I hope every single one of you enjoyed it as much as I have. 

 

This last episode of the series is a personal one but rest assured there are still a few twists and jokes on this podcast. This pod is all about my transition process, how I felt, how I am feeling and how I pledge to become. The most personal podcast yet! 

 

Transcript

We have made it to the Season 1 finale! Before I start toady’s topic, I would like to thank every single person who has been tuning in week in week out, and sending me all the lovely messages and feedback along the way, I won’t put anyone on the spot but you know who you are! 

It’s been so much fun doing this podcast and I am going to take a bit of a break to reshape what I want to do with this channel and hopefully making it more fun. I already have thought about ideas and exciting things are lined up, so make sure you do come back and join me! 

Now to match the season finale, this episode is going to be something very different than I did before. This is something very personal and I have been waiting for the right time to share this. I am very nervous about this but very excited.

If you don’t already know I was born female but have always identified myself as male from a young age and I am just a little over a year into my transition so far. It is something I always had an inkling about but never was able to it into words until I was older. 

Recently, because of the nature of work I am in, I wrote a post on LinkedIn to say that I will have a name change and you can call me Emery from now on and explained very briefly the reason why.. I was so nervous when I was crafting the message, I didn’t want to use the wrong terminology and offend someone. I lowkey always expected someone who has no profile photo to comment something ridiculous like:

“So you are like 70% man and 30% woman?”. 

And I would reply “Well are you 40% human and 60% dickwad?”. 

The response I got was overwhelming and surprisingly 100% positive. Everyone was so lovely, I even had strangers reaching out just to connect and say they know someone who has similar experience and its nice to see how as a society we can talk about things like this so openly. Which encouraged me to share my story from my own narrative.  

A lot of people would say ‘oh you are such as inspiration, so much courage, you must have had a tough time growing up’ 

First of all thank you and thank you, but I also so glad I am not attracted to men, because I would struggle. I would probably pass as a solid 4/10 with a great personality. I would be the cute funny short one that no guys wants to date.

The response was amazing. But at the same time, I was kind of bummed. Bummed because I built up this idea that I was going to get hate from a stranger who doesn’t even have a profile picture. ‘You suck’ then I will transform into this keyboard warrior, tear down this punk and become the saviour of the LGBTQ+ community. I am joking. 

I was truly bummed because this is by far, doubled, tripled, quadruple, sextuple, octuple all the likes I get on my personal Instagram. Do you know how it feels to get more likes on a LinkedIn post than on Instagram as a millennial? It definitely did something to my self-esteem in my social life arena. 

It was kind of funny going through this process of ‘coming out 2.0’.  This time as an adult. 

I mean the first time I ‘came out’ I didn’t really come out. I just changed my Facebook relationship status to a girl I was dating. No one really bat an eyelid. I think everyone knew I was gay before I did just by the way I talked or dressed. 

This 2nd time of ‘coming out’ was a bit different. Cause I had to change names and obviously I will start to look different as well, blah blah blah. So I started off telling close friends who already knew how I felt but I was more like saying I am going ahead with the process now medically. 

Then I started telling friends and you know I was hoping people would be over the moon for me. But not a single person was surprised. Everyone has been kind of like yeahhh we saw it coming from a mile away. 

All I want a bit of drama in my life. Is that too much to ask for? 

This was the hardest process for me so far, you know sitting people down and telling them this news as if this is big news. Truthfully, it really isn’t and it shouldn’t be. But I felt it is still important to have these conversations while maybe not everyone fully understands gender at the moment. 

I never liked to label my sex or sexuality because I feel we shouldn’t need to. No one should need to ‘come out’ or declare what we are. We only ever know what works for ourselves. Like why can’t identifying as a human enough? Of course I support all gender identifications. But I wished there will be a day where we don’t have to parade to show the world we exist and we have to ‘come out’. 

I mean how creepy would it be if you had to come out as straight or parade around saying ‘I have feet fetish’ - no one wants to hear that.  

Coming out to Asian parents was definitely an experience, what a fun experience in my life. Because there was so much to unpack. We had to talk about gender roles, marriage, all the traditional stuff.

Whatever Asian kids do, it’s already a disappointment to the family, so you can only imagine how low my ranking became. 

I first sat them down and said I have news to share - which never happens. 

My very by the books, respectful dad at this point already knew it was something dead serious and switched off electric appliances, TV, washing machine, wifi - everything that could potentially make a noise, he switched it off. 

Silence. Which made me super nervous, so I started crying. 

*Inaudible crying* 

My mum was like ‘it's okay, just cry’ 

At the same time, My dad was like ‘why are you crying, this does not warrant any tears’

They sat on either sides of the sofa so I was looking left crying and trying to stop crying when I looked to the right. I thought to myself, is this what is feels like to be bipolar? It was so bad, it became comical and I was immediately fine again. 

I told them how I felt, and why I feel this way, and why it is important to me to make this change medically. 

I mean they weren’t thrilled. But they tried to understand and their main concern was how it would impact my body and physical side effects which was more than reasonable. 

My dad found it a bit harder to take which is fine. He is very traditional, works for the government all his life, retired etc… But guess how he got over it? 

I was listing out all the situation I find very difficult to deal with for example using the bathroom in public, people not knowing how to address me, and you know just generally not very happy with my own body image. 

My dad immediately was on my side once I mentioned how I will still have menstrual cycle if I don’t make this change. 

He was just like oh my god, yes you should go ahead with this, when is your next doctor’s appointment? Cool cool cool cool cool cool. Then he goes to turn the TV back on. 

The conversation was done. Men are soooo scared of period it is actually hilarious. 

So I started my medical transition in Jan 2020. Which took new year new me to a whole other level. It has been a surreal and exciting time. I was super excited about the physical change I was going to get, facial hair, lower voice, more farts. 

When the song ‘If I were a boy’ by Beyonce came out,  it hit me very differently. Because all my life because I have always dreamed about being a boy. Now this has become a reality for me and there is so much I want to share with everyone. 

When I first heard the song, I genuinely thought Beyonce was going to transition into male. I thought I was about to gain a new best friend! But it turns out she was addressing about the double standards that exist between men and women, how it’s okay for guys to do certain things and get away with it and how girls can only react, play a very passive role in a relationship. 

It took me a while to really adjust to see myself as a Man too, not just a person who wanted this change. It is now happenING.

And it really hit home for me about being a guy is when I went to the massage parlour. The first time I went for a massage after taking hormone shots, I suddenly felt very shady. Every-time the masseuse touched me, in my head I was thinking

“She’s going to offer me the happy ending”

“Argh can’t a guy just get a massage without sex” 

I immediate have this surge of self-centre ness and became this egotistic dickwad. Every woman that walked past me I thought they were checking me out. I suddenly thought the world was in love with me. 

Whenever my girlfriend has her period, now I am like ‘I don’t want to hear it’. ‘ I can’t relate to your pain’ 

I went home and binge-watched all of Die Hard and memorised all the quotes because Bruce Willis is basically the representation of penis. I find myself having the need to growl in the gym. I named my bedroom, the man cave. I went home and threw my oven gloves and now I only use my bare hand to food in and out of the oven. 


 I was getting competitive over little things like how quickly can I down this glass of Orange Juice against the 3 yo on the opposite table. I started yelling ‘parkour’ whenever I jumped over a rock. 

Everything I did was get attention. Hoping people see me as THE MAN, the cool dude, the adventurous , sporty guy. The go-to guy. The guy who knows a guy that knows a guy that can get you anything you want. 

Men would do anything to prove their manhood. 

So overall, I am just excited I finally get to experience toxic masculinity. 

So this is what Beyoncé was really talking about. 

You have reached the end of Awkward Turtle Season 1. I hope you all had shits and giggles along the way, hope I made your Monday’s a little brighter than usual. And I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed making this.

We are going for a few weeks break just it make this podcast even more exciting for you. I am going to start having guests on and talk about something I am sure everyone will be able to relate. 

Again, thank you for listening, your support and messages means more than you know to me and stayed tuned! 

Bye-bye for now.